The President of the United States asks Valerie Jarrette to place a call to Hosni Mubarak, President of Egypt on Jan. 30, 2011.
Jarette: Mr. President.
Obama: Yes, Valerie.
Jarette: I am having difficulty reaching Egypt. All of the lines have been blocked.
Obama: He can do that and I can’t!. Bummer. Try the Internet, uh, Facebook or Twitter, perhaps.
Jarette: The Egyptian government has blocked all of the social networks as well.
Obama: He can do that and I can’t! The Devil…I say…
Jarette: Mr. President. You should cool the devil talk. No quite politically correct. You do realize that the devil-worshipper lobby has been quite supportive financially and we do have to think about 2012. Hold on. I have him on the line.
Obama: Cool. What’s his name again? Where’s my teleprompters?
Jarette: Mubarak. Hosni Mubarak. You can talk without teleprompters.
Obama: What kind of a name is Hosni? What ever. Hey! Give me the ball! Pause as he shoots a layup. Mr. President, I am so sorry for what you have had to deal with, despite the fact that the masses must be dealt with. Don’t let them huddle, by the way.
Mubarak: Thank you so much for your call. I remember well, your speech here in Cairo asking forgiveness from the world for all transgressions perpetrated by your country.
Obama: Uh. I am certain you are referencing any and all conservative republican governments that previously held sway. Mr. President.
Mubarak: Please, call me Hosni.
Obama: I appreciate that Hosni.
Mubarak: I so appreciate that as well, Barack.
Obama: Hosni, please call me Mr. President. So, Hosni, I understand that Cairo is really rocking.
Mubarak: What is rocking? I have thousands rioting in the streets where Pharaoh once walked.
Obama: Hoz. Can I call you Hoz? This two man press is winding me. Look, tell this Pharaoh person, that here in the U.S. we have hybrid cars and something called a Volt made by our government. He can drive energy efficient. Ever given any thought about windmills on top of those pyramids?
Mubarak: What’s a two man press. What are you talking about? Do any of your people understand you? Pharoah was our golden god.
Obama: Gotcha and we have don’t ask, don’t tell. Hoz, we got your back. The Hood is with you and everything is cool.
Mubarak: The Hood? Are you mad. They are extremists. Cool? Nothing is cool here. Egypt and Cairo is hot and parts are in flames. What language do you speak? We have tanks in the streets to protect King Tut.
Obama: See, Hoz, you got to get rid of the King stuff. That’s part of your problem. Share and redistribute your wealth. Chill out Hoz and don’t dis the brothers or brotherhood. It is a secret but I have a vested interest. If you know what I mean.
Mubarak: Mr. President. Before I forget, please tell your president of vice…we do not have such an office, at least openly, that I so appreciate his confidence that I am not a dictator.
Obama: Long Pause….I, er, will certainly tell Joe. Normally, we do not allow him to make international calls. It’s a problem………….
Mubarak: However, I have concerns about comments made by that fat ass, who seems not to have a clue as to what is happening in the Middle East. You would assume that someone like that would be more educated to wordly events before she opened her mouth.
Obama: Now, you have gone to far, Hoz, when you speak of Michelle like that. She is so concerned with making people less fat and thus trying to control what happens in the kitchens, restaurants, schools and bedrooms of the American people. Not an easy task.
Mubarak: No! Mr. President. I speak of Mrs. Clinton who is your secretary of state, but I readily see why you were confused.
Obama: Ah, yes, the budget for cotton for all of those pant suits has contributed to the national debt.
Mubarak: Mr. President, you have spoken of reforms. Would you expect of me more than you are willing to provide for your own people? You keep them in the dark. I keep mine in the dark. I pass decrees not provided for evaluation by my government. You pass laws that you nor your legislature reads beforehand. I hide restrictions in enactments and you do the same. You distribute moneys called earmarks for questionable purposes. I just steal it. How are we really different, except for the fact that my place of birth, my school and health records are public knowledge. My classmates remember me. How about you, Mr. President.
Obama: That’s NOT WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT! We have a democracy where people believe they have a say in government. You do not even offer that, Hoz. You have pissed off the majority of your people because you have not made your lies believable. We do not have that problem in Washington. Hoz, the probability is you will step down. At least you have the flexability to squirrel away enough cash to keep yourself comfortable. I, on the other hand, if and when rejected in 2012, must resort to pay as I go for lecturing, stealing treasures from the White House, alleged, you know and sitting on some corporate board. I wonder if there is a corporate tax for Board sitting.
Obama: Make it good Hoz. Look we both understand that the people are rabble, and as aptly stated by one of my Senate bros, “must be controlled.” Bottom line, we need your oil, at least until we get those windmills working and we need your Suez to remain opened. By your, I mean that owned by all of your folks. My Sierra lobby is too strong to let me drill our huge oil resources, despite the fact that most Americans would support the endeavor. Anyway, I can’t make waves. Election coming up. America will just have to suck it up. So, Hoz, have a great life in Cannes. Any further concerns, please direct them to Jimmy Carter who has had great experience with revolutions. Hey, he might even build you a habitat. Hoz, Salaam Alechem. I learned that in Indonesia. If you ever come to Washington, I can provide you with the prayer rug of your choice.
Obama: Look, Hosni, I have a gala to attend. Hang in there, you hear? Ooops, perhaps a bad choice of words. All the best and keep those pyramids safe…..Throw me the damn ball!
I am the President of the United States